capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
