Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
