R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
