yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
