This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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