There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
