Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
