found the other keg... it's in the tree
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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