Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Im part way to drunk.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
