how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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