Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Send help, water and tortillas.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
