there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
