He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
