3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just pee around me
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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