Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
