I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
