One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
