you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
