Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
