sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Is it penis luge time yet?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
