I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
