So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
