This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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