Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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