I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
