I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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