Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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