I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
