So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
