guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
