Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
