from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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