I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
