It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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