You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
