Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
