so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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