so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
