Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
