Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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