You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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