My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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