The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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