so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
