Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
the raccoons are back...
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