some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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