omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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