Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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