If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
