i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
