Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
