I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize