Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?