you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
