I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
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All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
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Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.