What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
