It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
where are my eyebrows?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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