Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
