we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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