I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
