Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
