i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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